Musings from a Not-So-Master Teacher

I'm working on writing a book. It's surprisingly hard to say people, as if it's something I've been hiding for a long time. "Hey, there's something I've always kept hidden from you. I'm really a geek." I suppose it's a little like an intellectual coming-out. I'm expecting people to say, "That's okay, John. We love you for who you are - even if it means you enjoy staring at computer screens and you have a penchant for correcting people's grammar. We love you anyway."

I guess it sounds arrogant. I don't have any accomplishments or notoriety. Yet, I think that's part of the draw to write. I want to write the kind of book that other teachers read and say, "Yeah, that's true," or "He's way off base," but not, "Man, what a miracle worker. I could never do that." I feel like all the books I read are either instruction manuals filled with practical advice; distant, theoretical textbooks; or inspiring stories about how someone came into the ghetto and radically transformed street thugs into humanitarian scholars.

I've already written a rough draft and now it's the difficult part. Here is where I dissect a chapter and move parts around to fit the overall flow of and subcontext created by the writing. Here I feel like a doctor, slowly performing surgery; knowing that if I cut up too much, I have a corpse of a chapter that cannot be rewritten without losing its overrall ethos. I've gotten used to blogging. I've grown used to self-censorship and quick sentences. It's hard to create something that does not read like a pasted-together series of blog posts.

Afterward, I feel more like a chef. I spend time changing words and seasoning it with a higher vocabulary. Too much and it will be pretentious and abstract. Too little and it will be raw and gritty.

The biggest challenge right now is seeing the big picture. In small segments, it's easy to have a feel for a specific chapter. I feel like I can't completely grasp the entire book. Also, it's tough because of my own insecurities. I could say that I am "writing for myself," which might be true. Yet, there is a sense in which I want to be published. And I don't feel as if I'm a great writer.