So this week has been my 25% week, where I teach or lead the kids for a quarter of the day.
Next week is 50%. Then 75%. Then 2 weeks of 100%.
Today, I taught a number corner lesson (Bridges Curriculum) which went pretty well. Students understood my expectations, worked independently and got stuff done! They didn't fight. They just worked quietly and efficiently.
But something bothers me. While I feel I'm getting better at managing the class, and am getting used to the transitions where I suddenly have authority, I'm still not 'teaching' like I expect myself to... I'm still not 'teaching' like I've known myself to teach.
Before, people would tell me that I have that teacher presence that no one can teach. People would tell me I have a real patience and connection with kids that puts everyone on the same page; that makes me a good teacher. While I realize being a good teacher constitutes so much more, my biggest anxiety about teaching - or the thing I long or wait to shine the most - is my personality in teaching.
Not being able to teach with my own persona makes me feel like a robot: so worried about managing, restoring order, setting expectations, having authority, churning template lesson plans, preparing manipulatives, psyching myself up to teach and introduce a lesson... Like slowly breaking down different skills of teaching so they pass through a sieve... and yet the chunk of personality that needs to pass through is nowhere to be seen.
I worry. Will I still want to educate if I can't bring that out of me? Why am I so timid (or whatever the feeling is) in front of my cooperating teacher? Is there a confounding element of culture where I'm unable/less able to identify with American kids? Do I have a stronger connection or better understanding of humor to local Chinese children? I'm so confused... but I miss that feeling of confidence where I can engage and gauge students learning. Like when you walk in and command a room. Where did that skill go? Isn't that the solution to many classroom management problems? Or, is it so entirely different in a classroom of 27 with mixed first-to-seventh-grade abilities? Are there hurdles of classroom management strategies, raising behavioral expectation, and commanding authority that need to be sieved through first? And is this all related to the switch of relief or optimism I get when my cooperating teacher (whom I really enjoy working with) leaves the classroom?
So many questions.
I wish there were a textbook that could teach me all of this. Or someone to tell me exactly what to do.
But... so often, the best thing to do is to try, endure and improve it yourself, because then it comes from the good stuff - the inside. The intention and struggle because without struggle, there is no progress.