Something I have realized since taking up more responsibility in front of my students, and setting and following through with expectations, is that I've started to become a less forgiving person.
It's weird. Yes, in the elementary school I seek to manage behavior so that students can learn and function in a harmonious environment. Every other second there are students who blatantly wrong others, who follow-through with (inherently) individualistic decisions, and who do not follow rules and therefore do not function as citizens of a classroom community. Hence, every other second - or what seems like every other second - I'm calling people out, making people re-think their actions, solving conflicts with groups of students at a time, and restoring - with reason - a safe environment for learning...
And while I do believe it's what needs to be done in a classroom since these children must learn to function in a society where there is responsibility, reward and consequence.... I have seen and now started to wonder how my hardened attitude applies when I'm in the real world with fully developed, "functioning" adults. I know it's ok to have a schizophrenically strict and loving side to kids when you raise/teach them... but what does it mean when I catch myself doing the same thing to peers and obviously functioning citizens?
I have especially noticed this in my school's a cappella group that I lead. It's amazing how many teacher-tendencies I've picked up, and how these have affected my tolerance. Just the other day, at practice, for example, we were all standing in a circle ready to sing. The pitch was played and then two members began to discuss something irrelevant which caused everyone to wait. This happens only on occasion where the responsibility lies in each individual member to be conscientious of our practice time together.
Instinctually, I opened my mouth to say,
We're waiting. A statement completely uncharacteristic of me that would obviously rub off more condescending with this group than with a child in elementary school where the line of authority allows me to do so. Luckily, I didn't say anything but a simple
shhhh which put everyone back on track. But the experience and desire to restore social order by pointing it out to a member so that they become clearly aware, took be aback. Just not me.
Again, while with the group last night, I constantly found myself looking directly into the eyes of people who were speaking when they obviously should have been listening. Instead of ameliorating my gaze with a smile, I felt that strict desire to make sure the "student" understood my expectation there and then, and to cease the talking while learning to be more respectful in the future. And it just didn't feel good. There is such a clear distinction between dealing with children - where you are expected to command authority - and dealing with adults. And I just hope it doesn't start/continue(?) to harden my compassionate, seeing-the-other-side-of-the-coin person that I know I mean to be.