Walking into the class, my third graders stood up for our routine good morning chant/greeting. While most of the kids clapped and cheerfully greeted each other, one boy, who is almost always enthusiastic about English class, remained listlessly seated and completely dejected.
Wondering what was wrong, I asked students to get settled with their textbooks and very quickly checked in on him.
He'd lost a football game.
Hmmm... that seems easy enough to deal with. Just talk to the kid about having fun with sports and help him realize and accept that we win and lose when we play games; it's in the nature of sports. The purpose is fun.
But wait, it was the game. The fourth graders had beaten the third graders 2-0, which lost them the opportunity to continue in the Olympic competitions at school.
Ok, I can see why he'd be more sad.
But no, it was even deeper. He'd lost the game. And his three teammates were well-aware. He was facing shame, insecurity in his football abilities, and feelings of disappointing himself and his team.
Unfortunately, the lesson had to go on as 33 other pairs of eyes waited for the class to begin. I assured him, with as much authority as I could, that it was ok and that it probably wasn't as bad as he thought. But how is an 8 year old supposed to fathom that? (how does anybody ever really fathom that?)
After the lesson, I called the four boys in the team to come out so we could talk.
His teammates were actually very mature. They understood that it was just a game and that, although disappointed, people win and lose in sports and that this time, they lost. They'd have to try harder again next time.
Relating it to the million tests and quizzes they have to take, I asked them to tell me what they would say to one another if they'd gotten zero marks on the test (a reminder I do before I pass out tests so students are conscious of being considerate and supportive of each other). "We should say: it's ok! Next time you can do better. Keep trying your best!"
We paralleled their answers to getting zero "marks" in football... and they started to see how they could shape their perspectives on the football match.
Characteristic of children who are not the most tactful with hiding their emotions, the other three players agreed, in a very matter-of-fact way, that this boy was the reason they'd lost the game, since he'd missed two prime opportunities. (kids are also unable to see how other factors could have caused them to lose, but that just makes it more cute)
During the conversation, the boy seemed to revisit his feelings of failure and disappointment for his teammates.
So I asked a couple of simple question to the teammates.
"Do you like to play football?" yes
"Did you have fun playing football today?" yes
"Are you happy you played football today with your friends?" yes
"Are you sad you lost the game?" hesitation. yes. "...and it's ok if you feel a little bit sad..."
"but are you still happy you could play football with [point to each boy] today?" emphatic yes
"I think you are good friends. I think you should tell [point to boy] that you are happy you played football with him today, because I think he still feels bad."
As the boys left, I called the sad kid to come back. He was still sad. Since there really wasn't much time left, I decided to just do more of the talking instead of letting him respond.
"I know you still feel sad because you think you are a bad football player. And I know you are sad because you think you made your team lose today. But J___, it's ok. When Mr. W___ was in primary school, I also played football. But I was not very good at football. My friends knew that I was not very good but they still wanted to play with me. Sometimes I missed the ball and sometimes I didn't win, but my friends still wanted to play with me because they were my friends. I felt very sad because I thought I was bad at football, but I also felt more happy because I always had my friends who wanted to play with me. I think you are like Mr. W____. Maybe you are not very good at football, but your friends still want to play with you. Do you think they like to play football with you?"
"Yes," he says with his head a little bit higher, possibly excited at the fact that his experience can relate to Mr. W___'s.
"And do you think they want to play with you again?"
"Yes," he says confidently, since his friends had said just 2 minutes before that they did.
"I agree with you. I think they are very good friends because if you are good at football or if you are bad at football they will still want to play with you! They want to play football and have fun with you because you are their friends. Do you think so?"
"Yes."
"Good. Now go back to your maths class."
And he turned around and ran back to the classroom, positively assured and confident in his friendships.