Teaching, Movies, and MysteryShrink

  Family.  Whew.  Can’t Live With Them, Can’t Shoot Them . . .

     Or, can you?  Why is that homicide statistics show that the people most likely to take your life are members of your own family?  Family systems thinking is different because symptoms (depression, anxiety,obesity, alcoholism, academic failure, criminal behavior, repeated divorce) are viewed as being more than a problem belonging to the individual.  Symptoms are seen as part of the family emotional process.  

     “What CAUSES a symptom?” 

     There is not an exact answer, though you can find books and talk shows giving a single answer, explanations that rise and fall in prominence depending on where anxiety is focused in the culture and the media.  The individual’s likelihood of experiencing a symptom depends on the interaction of four factors:

     1.  Physical features, including genetics.    

     2.  Events, including childhood experiences, and sibling position.    

3.  Basic functioning level of the individual.     

     4.  Functioning of the emotional system of which one is a part.      

     Your emotional system is your family, both nuclear, and your extended multigenerational family.  The numbers and availability of family members able to manage their anxiety makes a difference in whether or not you develop a symptom.  The family emotional process influences the severity and lastingness of a symptom.  

     This man . .  . was convicted of murdering his wife after a court hearing during he learned just how much his upcoming divorce settlement was going to cost him.  Darren Mack shot the judge (not fatally) the same day.  Mack presented as the killer you love to hate–self-centered, arrogant, rich, and reasonably good-looking.  After the jury found Mack guilty, family members on each side of the case testified to help decide punishment. 

     The testimony of the father of the murdered woman stood out.  As he spoke of his loss, he looked at the killer, then he addressed the people gathered behind Mack.  He spoke of how he blamed Mack, of course, then he held his stare on Mack’s family, saying he blamed them, too.  (This is paraphrasing.)  He spoke of how family members had poured gasoline on the fire when Mack spoke of his troubles, how they’d encouraged him to hide money, encouraged his view that he was a horribly wronged victim, how they’d fanned the rage of a fragile man, that each of them had some responsibility the death of his daughter.

     Wow. 

     Mack acted on his “Should’s” and “Catastrophizing.”  How much in charge does the EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM have to be to convince a man to kill, or to commit any act, that destroys his life and the lives of others–forever?

    How many of your decisions are made by your EMOTIONAL GUIDANCE SYSTEM?  Does it make sense to work on that?  It doesn’t to everyone.  Some people are more invested in being “right” (preserving their internal picture of themselves) than having a positive long-term result.       (See Narcissist vs. Narcissist.)

     Working toward being a Self Defined person means thinking about the family system of which you are a part.  Objectively.  Each of us grows up creating our family from our point of view, as if we each create people and events using a camera in our own forehead.  Which is why my sister never remembers childhood experiences accurately and I DO.  Did I mention that my brother is “out of touch with reality” and I’M NOT?  Jeez.  This psychology gig has lots of advantages. 

    If I could just get those two to buy my routine!    Same old story.  THEY KEEP ON BEING THEMSELVES (with their twisted points of view), even when I’ve try to help.  

     Recognizing that your emotional functioning is equal to the functioning of the others in your family, can be a tough pill.  I don’t know about you, but, I’ve always found it amazing that I am such a well-functioning person when everyone else in the family is . . . well, they have problems. 

MORE AT:  MysteryShrink.com

  One thing we have going for us in working toward a SELF DEFINED LIFE is the fact that people are largely PREDICTABLE.  Wow.  Dealing with criticism should be easy then.  Nope.  

     A movie, the title of which I can’t remember, opened with a beautiful wedding under sweeping oaks on a colonial estate.  Everything is lovely.  Most of the guests have left when the bride returns to the cake table.  She picks up the saucer with what remains of the slice used in the traditional entwining of arms, the husband feeding the wife and vice-versa.  Her face is serene, remembering that special moment.  Smiling she takes the cake in her hand.  But no.  Her new husband rushes over, grabs her hand, and frowns down at her.  “Not with your fingers, dear!”

     Eek.  Her response is predictable.  At least to some degree.  The less Self Defined person is more reactive to criticism than the more Self Defined person.  This bride could have had the Self Definition of the Buda, in which case she wouldn’t have had a defensive or withdrawing response.  But the bride in the movie was closer to you and me.  A look of fright crossed her face.  Was this moment at the cake table fortelling of life to come?

      A big chunk of working toward becoming a more Self Defined Person involves managing anxiety when criticized.   

Or when you think you WILL BE criticized.    Or when you think you WILL BE criticized.

“Which is more important?  The world you can touch,  or the world you are responding to?”

   I don’t know a way out of this work.  I know you can find therapists who will agree that you the problem is that you have been unfairly criticized (and I’m not saying you haven’t) and therapists who will recomend ways to instruct other people not to criticize you, or suggest you should just avoid critical people.  I’ve just never seen it work. 

   Attempting to stay calm by training others is hopeless.  To be alive is to be criticized.  When we are anxious we criticize.  When we are anxious we are more likely to interpret others as critical.  If you live your life with the goal of avoiding criticism leading the way, you will not have a very interesting life.  Even the hermits in Alaska have to drag themselves into town once a year for supplies and chance criticism.  I’m guessing after a year in the outback, those boys are pre-tee gamey.

     Two goals in the work toward becoming a Self Defined Person:

     1.  Better manage anxiety when you PERCEIVE you’ve been criticized. 

     To Do:  First step–take ownership of the issue.  Remember the person you can change.  Take the energy previously invested in mounting counter-attacks and playing victim and re-invest it in managing yourself.  This isn’t easy and many people just can’t do it.  One woman I saw long ago (all examples are compilations and my imagination, not actual clients), was having a rough time back in the dating scene after a divorce.  In explaining the unpleasantness with latest fella, she described how they had come back to her house after a play.  She invited him into her livingroom which she’d had re-painted, including an accent wall, since his last visit.  Disappointed when didn’t say anything right away, she asked him if he noticed anything different.  He glanced around, then admitted he didn’t.  She was outraged.  When I commented that maybe he was just out of it, that I wouldn’t notice if a friend re-did a room in zebra stripes.  Not because I don’t enjoy lovely interiors and admire women who can pull them off, I do.  I’m just no good at it and completely unconscious of my physical surroundings.  No, she insisted, the man was being awful to her and she didn’t want anything more to do with him.  Okay.  But, life’s just so HARD when you’re OVER-SENSITIVE to others.  Remember what grandpa tells this chick?    That the only losers are people who are too afraid to try.

     To Do:  Stop listening so closely when the other person is having a bad day and re-directing their anxiety your way.  Remember, “It’s not about you, even when it is about you.”  Even when you aren’t perfect, the other person’s being worked up about it has to do with their anxiety.

     To Do:  Breathe.  Draw in a breath saying to yourself, “Cool air in.”  Let it out slowing saying, “Warm air out.”  Again.  Just slowing your breathing puts you more in charge of you.  Bonus:  the other will pick up your relaxation, will pick up that you do not have a death grip on the conversation.  A good back and forth of criticisms is like a tennis match.  Either party can put down her racket.

     2. Reduce using criticism when you are anxious.        

     To Do:  Notice your own anxiety.  When you are criticizing all those people out there who are so off base or your spouse, take that as a sign that you are not taking care of yourself in some way.  Maybe you need to take a break.  Maybe you’ve overpromised what you can accomplish.  Maybe you are having a hard time accepting the things your can’t change.  DON’T CRITICIZE YOU for being critical.  Take it as a message to you.

      To Do:  Consider what criticism costs you.  What if you tuned it down, left a few comments out?  “But,” you say, “if someone loves you they want to hear everything you think.”  No they don’t.  “But,” you say, “I should be able to speak openly about what I don’t like."  And you can, but it'll cost you.         

MORE AT:  MysteryShrink.com

 WHO'S RUNNING THE SHOW BEHIND YOUR FOREHEAD?

Which is More Important?   The World You Can Touch?                                                “Or the World You’re MAKING UP AS YOU GO ALONG?”

     Family systems theory is a WAY of THINKING that translates into a WAY of BEING.

     The heroine in JUNO is a sixteen-year-old girl who gets pregnant the first time she has sex.  What can we possibly learn from that plot? 

     Juno and the members of her family handle tough situation with calm and a sense of humor.  If you’re thinking, “There’s nothing funny about a pregnant teenager,” please see entry on “If you only take life seriously . . .”

     What happens in any dilemma is powerfully influenced, if not determined, by how each person involved (and some people who aren’t involved, but add comments and fan the fires of angst, anyway) RESPOND.  There it is.  Just because an event happens doesn’t mean a certain “effect” occurs.  Doesn’t mean your response is determined.  You get to decide your response.

    I know.  I hate that, too.  All this responsibility for my life is a bit overwhelming.  And, yes, I am the woman you saw throwing a hissy on the plane because American Airlines switched from peanuts to pretzels.   

    When a dilemma occurs, one element affecting the outcome is, “How much anxiety is circulating in the system at the time?”  “What is Juno’s relationship with her father and stepmother?”  (Her mother abandoned the family when Juno was a small child.)  “How steady is the relationship between Juno’s father and stepmother, and how easily do they manage stress?”  What other stresses are on the system?”  “Has this family managed past dilemmas without resorting to blame, rigidity, cut-off, and grudges?” 

    Juno provides an example of a family managing an unexpected event without soaring anxiety and a competitive frenzy delegating blame.  A big factor in dilemma resolution is the “differentiation,” or emotional maturity of the person to whom the situation occurs.  Juno approaches her pregnancy dealing with the facts over spinning disasterous possibilities, as do her parents.

     When facing a dilemma (from an unplanned pregnancy to a car cutting in front), each of us has two guidance systems, vying for the job of determining our behavior.  Since we’re using movies, in this introduction of concepts, let’s call the Emotional Guidance System, or EGS, the RED director, and the Thinking Guidance System, or TGS, the BLUE director.  

     The Red director takes his cues from the lower areas of the brain that we have in common with animals and maybe some plants.  The Red Director is loud, pushy, afraid, scared, and used to running the show.  The Red director is incapable of slowing down long enough to consider the facts.  After all, “Who can wait?  This is terrible, awful, unbelievable, and should never have happened!”  The Red director ignores the past.  After all, “This is the worst thing that could possibly happen!  I’ll never recover from this!”  The Red director, unable to review the past, advises us to do what we’ve always done (regardless of previous disasterous outcomes and current unsatisfactory relationships) only harder and faster.  (Think of this statement the next time you see your little pinky punching in the numbers for a new exercise bike-ball-gloves-DVD, or scientific-sounding useless “guaranteed” weight-loss vitamin pill.)

     The Red director goes for short-term anxiety reduction (even when delusion is involved–maybe this pill will work) at the cost of long term benefits.

     The Blue director takes his cues from the upper part of your brain, particularly the cerebral cortex.  (Okay, about the “he,” “she,” “he/she” controversy.  I’m not going to take the time to make sure the pronouns come out evenly.  If your Red director is in charge, he’ll take away your openness to learning anything new anyway.  I know this because my Red director is one persistent *** and frequently keeps me from letting me have a good time.)

More later.  On the Blue one.  We need him, and yet, he hides in the fog.