It's coming down to the wire. As we speak, there are approximately two days until school is out for the kids, and three for me. I have many mixed feelings as I approach the end. Usually there is the exhaustion, nostalgic moment, relief, and reflection for the next year. Right now, I have the desire to bury this year under the carpet or rather in the cluttered closet like that of a kid when she's told to clean her room...
I am not saying the year was a bust. I had many leadership opportunities. I even got nominated to be Teacher of the Year at my school, and have gotten different accolades around the district. Plus I got to teach Bill. I actually felt like this was a good year and that my students were learning more (and that I was teaching better) until I got their standardized test scores back. Let's just say that not all of them were what I was hoping for. My colleagues tried cheering me up, saying that they know I worked hard with this group, and we discussed what I did with them this year and also what I could do next year. One of the coaches told me that this was a challenging group academically and that they had been that way for years, not just with me. I know this also because I had many of them in 2nd grade as well. At any rate, I had been waiting to get a lecture or my teaching certificate burned in some sacred ritual where the superintendent sacrifices my lanyard, three apples, my favorite border, and a bucket of base ten blocks into an inferno as my students hold their heads in shame. None of this happened. The Principal hasn't treated me any differently. In fact, she treats me just the same as she did when almost all my kids last year passed the state tests (I only had a couple fail last year).
At any rate, I hate the feeling of failure. It makes me think of that episode of the Simpsons where Homer is in the tub, scrubbing himself as he shutters "Unclean, unclean..." I know I did my best. I watched as my students all for the most part, made large gains in their benchmarks over the course of the year. I compared their growth to that of my previous class, and this year's kids made significantly more. I think,why did this happen? Well, one is that they had more room to grow from the start(my current group)-BOY assessments were scary. The kids last year started out higher. If I could sum up my feelings, it would be that I wish I knew last year what I know now. My kids then would have done even better and then I'd have time to learn more for this group. My teacher confidence went up this year, and then this knocked it lower that it was before. Yeah. I guess I gotta grow.
My goals were pretty clear, but now this has made them a little foggy. I guess I am just ready to put a fork in this for now and try again next year...