Redirection. Reflection. That has been the theme lately. No, I am not talking about my class. I mean with myself, my cause, my purpose.
Yes, the blog is biased-I write it. I love myself. But, contrary to some opinion, I see that I have issues. There are things I wish to be and I struggle with who I am. I also succeed with who I am, so it's a double edged sword. Do we really want the laundry list? Okay, here are a few of the pros and cons of my being:
I will start with the cons:
1. I could be more subtle. Maybe subtle isn't the word. I am pretty forthright, blunt and honest to a fault, and sometimes my comments are harsh. Sorry, I don't like skipping around the daisies. I say what I mean and mean what I say. I don't mean to say mean things though.
2. I am hard to get close to. I don't do well with lukewarms or in betweens. I pretty much either love you or I just don't. Won't say hate, cause that is pretty strong. It is extremely hard to lose my heart, but it is also a little difficult to capture it.
3. I am moody. I admit to it. I get annoyed with myself at times, and will remove myself from others if I am crabby. I give myself "time outs." I need them.
4. I am critical. Yep, I know it seems like everyone else is my target, but I am equally critical, if not more so, of myself. That could be sort of arrogant, because I am no better than anyone else. Count that as a flaw if you must.
5. I think of myself. No, the world doesn't revolve around me. But I do realize that I can speak on what I believe truthfully. I can only guess at what others think with some certainty. Rather than talk in possible thoughts, it is easier for me to talk on what I know.
And you know, I could just keep on going. I have issues in life. We all do. I need to grow up and get over myself. So do we all. I hope we get that.
I bet you are expecting me to now start tooting my horn and tell you how awesome I am. Actually, not going to do that. Many people who know me seem to think I am pretty awesome. Some also think I suck. Both camps are right. I am not here to change your opinion or bring you to one side. You are more than capable of thinking on your own.
I do, however, feel the need to refocus my writing. I just start typing. I think like my kids-I will put what is on my mind down first, and then I will fix it later. Blogging is a chance for me to be reflective. It is therapeutic. I let go of my frustrations here, rather than on the kids, or even with the adults at work. It helps me pick my spots. It may sound as if I am constantly in turmoil, but actually I am not. I goof with my colleagues. I play pranks on them, but I also help them with things. They help me. They give me advice, give me direction when I need it, and just a smile from time to time. We are family, in many ways. Just like you fight with your siblings, we have our sibling rivalry from time to time. I am not all at fault as they aren't either. We are all people. I have my faults, they have strengths, and vise versa, but in the end, it all works out.
Those that read often, hear about KIS and administration. Honestly, there are things about both that frustrate me from time to time. I also know that I bug KIS. Administration must be okay with me, because even with the rants, I have always gotten positive remarks on my job performance. I get the extra responsibilities because they trust me. Also, the "rants" are not just moans and groans. They are for change-not for my sake. Not to make room 312 easier. Nope, not even close. Really, it is ultimately for the kids. I rant about things like this: More tutoring for my Bills. More meeting with the coaches so that we can grow as teachers and teach our kids better. I rant about needing more time to collaborate with teammates because we all have different skills and could benefit from having the space to really share those talents in a real way. Yes, I also mean KIS. I get the feeling from her that she is tired of being ignored, but in someways has given up trying to be heard. She speaks of the politics of the job. The only difference between us in that is that I am too stupid to just sit down and be quiet. She has seen things come and go, and often speaks of the happenings at our school as "a phase" or that things are the way they are because "that's just the way it is." All the things I have mentioned in terms of rants, she has also at some point expressed disgust with.
And being the ranter, at some point, the squeaky wheel gets the grease. It isn't perfect, but from time to time I do get some of those things ranted for. Not because I am awesome. It is called putting bugs in ears. If no one will say it, it won't ever change. I am just one person who will. Others talk too, and so things start to happen.
It isn't a blame game, and I need to refocus myself, because I feel like that is what it has become. I am not anti-KIS. I am frustrated at the bigger problem-I want a team. The team keeps changing, and KIS is actually the only constant there. No, she isn't the reason the others left-nor was I. They all had their own personal reasons, each of which I respect. I actually still keep in contact with all my old teammates. I am not sure how KIS feels about that. But this is what my thoughts are about that-I could be totally wrong. She has been in the same place for quite some time, which I respect. I respect this because as much as I like my kids, it is not the easiest place to teach. There are many reasons, that I won't go into here. Nonetheless, KIS has stuck it out. Seriously. And she does it well. Her kids learn. But I know that in that time, she has seen a lot-changes in administration time and time again. All the fads that come and go with those changes. All of the staffing. In just the 4 years I have been there, I have only seen one grade level stay stable. I don't mean adding one person to a grade level. I have seen 1st, 2nd, 3rd, and special areas teams be completely different from when I started teaching at the school. The other grades-K and 5th, only have one person left from my original year. That is rough. Think about how many teammates KIS has gone through before me. What would you do if you constantly were going through these changes? I know all schools have turnover. But I am thinking of that of a normal school multiplied and then adding all the other changes. You have yourself as a constant. If that is the case, how do you turn to others time and time again? At some point, it is only human to just get tired. It is just easier to do your own thing.
I have much I could learn from KIS. Even in my new school ways, there are things she can still learn from me. Even more so, there are things that our team could learn if we all really were "with it." That is what frustrates me. I am annoyed when I see KIS ignore my teammate who is saying hello to her. I am annoyed also with myself for being mean sometimes as a result. I am annoyed when I give up trying to communicate with KIS, but I am also annoyed that when I try time and time again to open up the lines of communication, the response is so inconsistent. I wish I understood KIS, and I wish she understood me. I wish the teammates who left had more success with KIS, and then maybe could show me what to do or say because I feel so hit and miss with her. Sometimes I can get her to chat it up. That is the closest I can get. It is progress, because there were times she would literally ignore me if I spoke to her. But really, even these things don't compare to what it is that I really want. I want to be able to collaborate with all of my teammates, not just plan some things with the DA, or discuss things with the Newbie. Sounds all rainbowy, but seriously, that is what I want more than KIS to leave. I am just tired. Tired of all of it.
Does this all come down to KIS? No, what it really comes down to is teacher retention. What can we do as a school, as a district, as a nation, to keep teachers staffed in challenging schools? This is my real frustration. Not KIS, this is way bigger than her-she is a victim of this too, if you really think about it. She hasn't had consistency on a team level because of the system. It isn't the principal's fault. Not passing the buck. But if your team is constantly re-faced each year, how can you expect to build that level of trust needed to really function in that capacity? This then trickles down to the students. How do we do that? Not only attract, but retain teachers in the high need schools? That is my true rant.....
To be continued....