Search results matching tags 'uncategorized' and 'family'

Happy Thanksgiving

Anonymous — Fri, 25 Nov 2011 10:47:16 GMT

Today I am grateful for:

*my husband who has been trying to keep my fever down and helped me cook… some.

*my bunny for always being cute.

*loved ones who took time to talk to me and make me feel less isolated.

*friends that feel like family.

*writing

*people that encourage my writing.

*brilliant writing and rp buddies that make me feel like I’m awesome and valued. And that appreciate my craziness.

*starting new traditions.

*my ingenuity and determination

*my homemade from scratch french fried onions which are OMG some of the most amazing things I’ve ever eaten!

*a lovely holiday celebrating togetherness with the person I love most in our cozy little world.

*Switzerland and how it has literally stolen my heart because there are Christmas lights EVERYWHERE! I mean seriously, I’ve never seen more lights in one place in my life!

*Even if you don’t celebrate holidays, I send each of you good will and love during this cold and stressful, isolating season because you are all important to me and I love each and every one of you. We only get one chance at life, make it count. And though some of these holidays remind us of our loneliness or sad times, remember you are loved and you have the choice to focus on the bad or the good. I hope you choose the good.

All my love,

Tagged: family, Frantzerland, happy, holidays, love, travel

Cuddle Attack

Anonymous — Tue, 07 Jun 2011 21:02:43 GMT

Steven is not a cuddler. I like to cuddle… a lot. It’s really bad when I’m sleeping. I sleep talk and laugh, but not nearly as much as I cuddle attack. While sleeping, I will roll over to whoever or whatever is next to me, glomp onto them with my arms, nuzzle my big honking head somewhere on their shouldery region, and throw my leg over them. This has been going on since I was a little girl and people called me the human pillow. My attacks were often met with hits, kicks, and bites. Or bending my neck back until I roll away. Which leads me to my story about last night.

I *** near lost my *** this morning. Steven has had a fever for a couple days now. Yesterday it was 104. I had about 27 thousand things to do and I didn’t sleep very much because he was hot and tossing and turning the night before. So we got up at 8 and start trying to get his fever down. A little worried, but he is responding to medicine and not being too pathetic. Decide to throw out the list of things to do for today and focus on taking care of him. I was awesome nurse extraordinaire.

Until last night.

I’m getting up every two hours to get him meds and I’m cool with that. Alarm is set and I’m ready to go. I put on 2 episodes of Star Trek, he’s asleep not even halfway through the first, and it’s about midnight when they’re over. TV is off. He decides he wants attention in his sleep, so he says.

Steven has talked in his sleep for years and is so sweet when he’s not aware that he’s talking, all smiles and weird. Twice in the last two weeks he’s woken me up talking and when I talk back he says “Shh, the angry man is coming. The angry man is coming.” Then he comes to, is all gruff, rough, and mean sounding and starts yelling at me about how I woke him up and I’m like DUDE you were talking to me. There’s a reason we call him Grinch. Ah well.

Anyway, he wants “to feel close to me,” he says, so he presses his hot bony leg in my side. Then he wants to drag his dragon talon toe nails down my shin. “She loves cuddles,” he says. This goes on for HOURS! I’m trying to get him to stop but he won’t. He is snoring like a bear intermittently this whole time, talking in his delirium. Now he wants to take all the blankets and push me off the bed. I’m considering kicking him to death and all of the other things he has done to remove me. He feels me get up to ditch him for the couch so starts whining that he doesn’t want me to leave. This is like 330 after laying there for 5 hours. Next he steals my pillows. I’m really possessive about my pillows. I sleep with a lot of them to prevent heart burn. Now I’m seriously raging and wanting to punch him in the face. I get my pillows back and lay on my stomach on top of them so he can’t have them. He grabs my leg and is shaking me telling me he likes to grab me and then snores and falls over.

It’s now six and he’s petting my head and rubbing my ear making weird noises. I can’t take it anymore. I get up and jump in the shower before I gut him. Maybe this is revenge for my cuddle attacks. Maybe we’re just some sort of odd couple trying to drive each other crazy so we (I) can tell the world.

A friend and I had an epic conversation about how to hide a body a la Dexter last week and cooking some nasty chili to be thrown out later sounds good to me. Wonder what’s for dinner?

Tagged: family, funny, hubby, life, steven

5

Anonymous — Fri, 03 Jun 2011 16:11:50 GMT

Happy Anniversary to us! 5 years!

so cute and little… what happened? hehe

Tagged: anniversary, family, hubby, love

Where I come from does not dictate where I will go

Anonymous — Tue, 24 May 2011 14:42:24 GMT

I had a long conversation with my aunt and uncle in Oklahoma about my miscarriage. Mostly we talked about how horrible my family is telling me that it’s because I’m a “bad person” that I lost the baby. And that I’m obviously broken because they never lost children so there’s obviously something wrong with me. But we started talking about something deeper.

I come from a very abusive family. My biological father was a violent alcoholic who lashed out against me (often it was my own fault. I’d pick a fight so he’d leave my smaller siblings alone) and as I got older and he got clean started doing other lovely things. When I told my mother about what was going on she told me I had no idea what it was like to live with the other woman. Then he left and at first she was heartbroken then she decided to blame all of her problems on him. She used to talk whimsically about how he told her that if she got pregnant he’d marry her and so she trapped him by getting pregnant with me, then turned into I wouldn’t have had to marry him if it wasn’t for you. Apparently I don’t have a soul since I wasn’t born of love. My sister and father are bipolar. I have a schizophrenic cousin. We have a history of cancer and other lovely things in our family tree. Do you see where I’m going? For over a year I’ve been telling myself I didn’t want to have a baby. What sort of selfish jerk am I to bring a child into the world with all these problems? Not to mention a glutton for punishment. Why would I want to have a mom, dad, or sister?

I told my aunt and uncle this. They disagree. “What do you know about cloning?” my aunt asks.

“They take your DNA and make another you.”

“But is it the same you?”

“No, because that person goes through a different life so you’re not the same. You look alike and have some similar predispositions but you are a victim of your circumstance. *Pause* Oh…”

Then she asked why my sister is the way she is. And I promptly responded with the she was never punished or held accountable for anything, was constantly bailed out of every situation, etc. And I realized that there are some predispositions for addiction and such in my family, but we are not doomed to become a pedophile or an ax murdered because our parents were that. We are victims of our circumstance and it’s how we are raised that make the difference. Could they still have mental illness? Yes, but would I just let them sit and suffer like I did or get the help they need and see the signs of what was going on? Probably.

Do I still want to foster and adopt? Someday. It’s a very lengthy and expensive process. But have I finally stopped beating myself up about wanting to have children? Yes. I have realized that just because my parents were bad doesn’t mean I’ll be a bad parent. The thing is I see the problems and actively want to make a change. Many of our behaviors are learned, not predisposed. It helped me to realize that where I came from does not dictate where I will go. I can have a beautiful family filled with love because it is our actions and choices that make us who we are.

Tagged: baby, family, issues, miscarriage, quotes, thoughts

Perfect: Confessions of a TinyEYE Mom

Anonymous — Sun, 23 Jan 2011 05:59:30 GMT

Ring the bells that still can ring Forget your perfect offering. There is a crack in everything, That’s how the light gets in. ~Leonard Cohen Hi Everyone, Warning: What you about to read is the true life confessions of a mom. You know you’re a mom if, at least once, the only place you can [...]

musing on child naming and the Internet

Anonymous — Sun, 12 Sep 2010 23:42:26 GMT

I am of the age where many of my friends are having kids and so I’ve been exposed to more conversations about what to name one’s child than I ever could’ve imagined. I’m sure people have always had long contested discussions with their partners and friends about naming, but I can’t help but laugh [...]

I’m a chicken

Anonymous — Tue, 15 Jun 2010 14:14:09 GMT

By the time this posts, I will be on my way to FL for an educator conference. I always talk about how I am independent and strong and intelligent, things I believe with all my heart to be true, but there are times when I’m not. I fight with manic depression every day, one psych even went so far as to say I have 13 multiple personalities. I feel things intensely and am sometimes crippled by making a decision, or trying to understand people, specifically the latter. I am still reeling from my co-teacher/person I lived with/friend talking about me behind my back. Anyway, sometimes I get into these crazy weird swings. Like yesterday.

I stress clean and stress eat and stress bite my nails, which are now little nubs border line bleeding. Why? Because I’m scared to go to FL. No I’m not scared of flying, I am scared of being alone. I am scared of getting mugged, raped, in a difficult discussion, annoyed, hurt, angry, etc. while I am alone. I don’t like it when Steven isn’t there, not that I’m dependent on him but I feel better when I’m not alone. What if something happens and he’s a thousand miles away? What if I get in a car crash or plane crash? What if he gets in a car crash? The thoughts are endless an my mind focuses in on the negative on an infinite play loop of scary, torturous things. Until about 6 months ago I could not sleep without a light on because of things that my father did to me when I was 12. I don’t know why I am like this. I have gone to counselors and done medication, and I have gotten WAY better and less obsessive about things, but sometimes it is still hard. I am scared of being alone, of going to a place a thousand miles away by myself. *** even some mornings I drove to work in Oklahoma City I would be paralyzed by fear and worry that something bad was going to happen. I would curl myself up in a ball and cry. Sometimes I would cry the whole way to work.

These situations, when I am working through things or feeling upset, make people think I am weak. Sometimes I feel I am weak, but I am a imperfect work in progress trying the best that I can. I tend to obsess about things, especially what people say and do and what they mean. Besides being scared of my trip, my mother decided to use her one weekday off a week Monday to watch the World Cup instead of taking Wednesday off to come see me while I am in FL and she is two hours away. She said I should rent a car and come see her. Sorry dearest, but I am here for work and not your beck and call. I flew all the way down here, you can drive over here. Apparently that’s wrong. I’m obsessing about Steven’s mother and the crazy ridiculousness of her racism. That also goes in line with one of his brothers and the fiance who believes that I am less of a woman for wanting to have a child. I obsess about his other brother that used to be one of my best friends now acts totally bipolar and rude to me. I obsess about my “friend” from school who talked about me behind my back. I don’t know why I do this, it’s like my brain just can’t wrap it’s mind around why something is happening so gets in an infinite loop until it determines a situation. It makes me feel weak and broken to have so many people judge me for my flaws. I know I have problems. I have been working on them for years. I hope someone else out there understands, and I hope that by sharing my weaknesses it helps to make me a little more tangible.

Or maybe I’m just crazy…

Tagged: family, issues, my life, stress, the laws

In other news

Anonymous — Mon, 10 May 2010 01:38:28 GMT

Sometimes I have a hard time dealing with people. It has gotten way better over the years and I am very proud of my ability to let things go since before it would have resulted in hours of crying and being upset. The rumors and dealing with my in-laws for example. They are crotchety people to say the least. Steven’s grandfather refused to come to his graduation because he had a gun club meeting. For the first time, Steven kind of told him off. He said he knew grandpa was looking for an out and has made all of them the last thing on his priority list and he didn’t want him to come if he didn’t want to anyway. The younger brother who is like bipolar (or hot ‘n’ cold if you’re a Katy Perry fan) was rude, apologized, then ignored me. It was weird.

However, in spite of all this, we had a really good time with a bunch of friends and a keg of Guinness. Like really fun. And hopefully this summer I will learn to be more of a girl with proper make-up application, accessorizing, and arts and crafts that aren’t digital. WEE!

I’m really tired. I went to see Iron Man 2 and wasn’t impressed. It was not nearly as good as the first one. I am also very unimpressed that they are bringing back the old Avengers and my theory of reviving the crap that was wolverine and spider-man will not be happening. *sigh*

Lastly, being a girl is the suck. I hate my raging cramps.

Someday I hope to celebrate mother’s day with a child of my own and not just my fur baby and husband I take care of. And my students.

Tagged: family, movies, my life, random, the laws, tired

Love pt. 2

Anonymous — Sun, 09 May 2010 21:02:55 GMT

I give my husband a hard time but he is great. For 3 years after I moved to Oklahoma we were best friends. We called, e-mailed, and talked whenever possible. We hung out at church and events. We always had a thing for each other, but both of us were scared to do anything. I was very stand offish about guys because most of the guys at our church were cute but just after one thing. I didn’t want to be with some beautiful dumb *** I couldn’t have a conversation with, and I had been through a lot growing up and didn’t want to deal with other people trying to deal with my baggage.

I’m just going to say it and get it out there. My dad molested me between the ages of 7-13. My mom blamed me for their divorce and said I was the other woman seducing him. So I had a lot of baggage. Then she became all controlling and didn’t think I deserved to have friends and go to school so I was homeschooled. I don’t say this to get attention or pity. This is me. I am a real true person and try to share openly about myself because I have dealt with it and moved past it. People make mistakes and some people cannot reconcile their mistakes or their past with their life. I have and I share my story so maybe someone else can have a cathartic release through me.

Steven was my salvation. I was messed up as a kid. I tried to kill myself 6 times between the ages of 9-16. Steven and my students are the only ones that know that, well and now anyone who reads this. One day my aunt told me that if I really wanted to stick it to my family I would stop trying to hurt myself and make something of my life then tell them to screw themselves. I never tried to hurt myself since. I also stopped pushing Steven away. We started “dating” in January 2002, but my mom would not let us go out in public unless a parent or one of my siblings was present. Prom in April was our first unsupervised date. She also had a ridiculous rule that if he wanted to come over on the weekend he had to call and request permission from her 48 hours in advance, a week if we wanted to go out somewhere. That this didn’t scare him off still surprises me.

He would get so angry with my mom and the crap that she would do, but he still supported me and stayed with. He moved to Stillwater to go to college in August 2002 and we stayed together seeing each other on weekends and stuff. In June 2003 all *** broke loose because my mom didn’t like that I was getting close to someone and decided to move the entire family to Florida on a whim. I had earned a Walt Disney World internship in August and would be leaving for 6 months for that, so she decided we would all go down there and I would be forced to leave Steven and make my life with them, the only “real” people that cared about me and that my family should come before anyone else. What she didn’t know was I had grown pretty smart and saw how self-destructive she was to herself (*** she was 30 something still living with and leaching off of her mother) and knew that she didn’t care about me, she wanted to continue to punish me for being the “bad” child and make sure I knew my place in this world is beneath her. That’s when Steven and I started a plan.

I was going to stay in Oklahoma.

Tagged: family, hubby, issues, my life

Graduation Day!

Anonymous — Fri, 07 May 2010 20:59:06 GMT

I’ve been waiting for this day for 8 years. My husband is graduating college with his master’s degree! It’s been a bumpy road for him. he dealt with discouragement from lack of parental or financial support, balancing work and school, dealing with me and my emotional upheaval and school, working on projects all night long for years, getting f’s, practically drooling and falling asleep in front of computer screens, blood, sweat, and tears. But this day. He finally made it!

My husband has a Master’s degree in Electrical Engineering! I never thought this day would come. It’s been a long hard road for all of us. I am so proud and grateful for the man he has become from the squirrelly little guy I used to know.

To my husband. I love you! You rock baby!

Tagged: family, happy, hubby